Boneheads, Every Last One of Us

We’ve talked many times about the fact that men are raving horny boneheads. Yeah, we love sports and cigars, and guy food, and a good belt of hootch, but most of all we love chicks. I don’t think I speak for just myself when I say that most of our waking day is spent thinking about hot broads that we’d never have a shot at in a million years, yet they take occupancy in our brain’s residence.

churchextcfwTake ME for instance. I am a truly a lifelong horned pig. I think about woman maybe even more than I did as a kid in my late teens. Sometimes I think, “You know Z, there is really something mentally unstable with you.” But then I talk to other guys and they are every bit as bizarrely perverse. And as you get older, your standards drop like a lead buffoon and almost nothing is sacred any longer… case in point, this past weekend: My nieces first holy communion. Only a man can take a wonderful, lovely family event and turn it into his own personal Cougar hunt.

first_communionIt was a gorgeous day this past Saturday and families were dressed in their finest garb to witness the little one’s first communion. But the daddies in church were treated to a lot more than the handing out the hosts. I can tell you in all my years I have NEVER seen such a gathering of insanely hot looking women at any church event anywhere in the history of man. One mom after another wore sleek dresses with high slits showing gams a plenty while displaying her mountains majesty. It was enough to make a monsignor stop thinking about alter boys for five minutes. All right, all right, that was uncalled for – okay, maybe not, but my point is valid. And what point is that? I’m not sure right now because I keep thinking about the cavalcade of mommies that drove me nuts while standing in a house of the Lord. Over and over, one incredibly gorgeous honey after another entered the parish, and over and over my impure thoughts rattled my cage like an uncontrolled smash into the wall at Daytona.

hotmomsYes, I’m pathetic and a loser of great proportions, but that doesn’t matter one bit when there’s a milf-o-rama going on in your local church and you KNOW that every hetero guy is in dire need of a trip to the nearest confessional. Bless me Father for I have sinned… it has been 30 seconds since my last deviant thought and the moment I step out from this curtain, my brain will be tortured once again, for I am worthless and weak, and there are cougars a plenty occupying the pews.

cougarmomaI ask myself over and over, “what the hell is wrong with me,” but it is God himself who is to blame for my thoughts of ludity while hanging in his houses of the holy. For it is our maker who hath given man his gratuitous lust for jiggling flesh of the female variety. It is the good Lord who ramped up our testosterone and bestowed upon us the ability to stand at attention at the mere sight of the slightest sign of cleavage or booty. And just what the bloody hell is a woman doing exposing cleavage in church? I’m damned serious. That is just wrong, wrong, wrong.

penny_porscheYou know what? I AM just wrong, wrong, wrong. I think all “real” guys are wrong, wrong, wrong. We should be caged and fed and used for breeding purposes and that’s it. Other than microbrews, handrolled cigars, and ice hockey, we really contribute very little to a society as a whole. Okay, maybe a few guys have invented some important shit here and there and won Pulitzer prizes, yada, yada, yada, I’ll grant you that, but for the most part you can throw a collar on us and let us roam the yard for most the day. I think we’d be just fine if our only roles were to eat, dump, and procreate. Wait a minute, I think that’s all we do now. Well, except for the procreate part. We did that once – a long time ago and it’s jut some distant memory like a good novel you read many moons ago.

Listen, I’ve gone off on one of my infamous tangents, but that’s to be expected of a man, right? Our brains can only focus so long until it all comes back to hooters and beer…and football, and pizza, and muscle cars, and wicked bikes, and barbecued ribs, and cheeseburgers, and porterhouse steaks, and war movies, and the Sopranos, and maduros and  corojo, in churchill and robusto.

Hey, wow, that’s pretty impressive…maybe we are a lot deeper and more complex than I thought.

Bless me Fadda, for I have sinned. But I kind of liked it.

You have a swell day,

Tommy Z.

JR CIGARS Blog With the Zman

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