Dad’s Weekend Revisited

commentbuddy_fathers_day_010You guys all know that I’m the total nostalgic sort, and nothing but nothing says nostalgic like Father’s Day. But I happened to have had a hell of a few days of celebrating. On Thursday, Tommy 3 graduated eighth grade. (Dad is Tommy 1 and I’m the Jr.) On Friday, my daughter Nicole graduated high school. Then Saturday, we had a daylong, nightlong party and I am so friggin’ wiped, both physically and emotionally.

00000f024It has rained something like 20 of the past 23 days in our area and people are going stir crazy. Thursday it poured and the eighth grade ceremony was in the gym – the 4,000 degree gym. The speeches were dreadfully long and drawn out and over 300 kids got their diplomas for what seemed like a day and a half. But the upside? A massive collection of hot moms – hot sweaty moms that drove many a dad wacky. Lots of leg and low cut tops made Mr. Polish Snausage do his own little pomp and circumstance. And then the fact that half the eight grade girls looked 21 years old was most disturbing. God knows there’s a humidor in hell with my name inscribed on it.

fathers-day-beer-lgBut Friday was a miracle. What started as a cloudy, dismal looking day gave way to sun, 72 degrees, and blue skies and the high school seniors got to parade around the football field and it was just sensational. Now THIS ceremony was brutally surreal. I was picturing my girl crying getting on the first grade bus, then opened my eyes to see her in her cap and gown. Wow. I did all I could to hold back the tears and look like more of a fool than I normally tend to be. But again, it was the gaggle of steaming hot mothers that kept me perky and pomped. Funny how years ago people thought a 40 year-old woman was an old maid. And of course the senior girls looked like beautiful women, not 17 and 18 year old kids. Just a very memorable day.

dad_and_little_league_sm1224164297So of course Saturday is our humongous party for the kids and of course it poured rain all god damned day long. But, I really didn’t give a rats ash cuz I drank and smoked and ate like a wolverine. I set up a tent in front of the garage and barbequed from underneath for close to twelve hours. My colon must look like a meat locker for crissakes. Don’t know if they’re a national brand, but we’ve got Thumann’s hot dogs, made from beef and pork and they blow up twice the size and split down the middle. The taste is so amazing and I kind of did the “one for you – one for me” thing all day. I also made sure to ingest a medium rare cheeseburger once every quarter hour. And for two days I’m now excreting once every quarter hour. (Yes, I am surely the king of TMI.)

cigar22I also put out on a table in the garage, a selection of fine smokes for the cigarophiles to partake. And god dayum, did “I” ever partake. I probably smoked eight or more cigars and washed them down with an eclectic mix of suds and libations. This would probably explain why Sunday morning I woke up at 11:30am and felt like Mike Tyson got medieval on my ass. Now my wife NEVER lets me sleep late on weekends cuz god knows nothing will get done around the house if I do. But yesterday was Father’s Day and the woman gave me the wonderful gift of slumber. No sex, just sleep. I guess the fact that I smelled like the ghost of Arturo Fuente had something to do with the lack of hummerage.

grilledprettydogswebOf course the first thing I did when I woke up was fire up the grill that was still out front and threw on a few of those beef n’ pork puppies. That and a cup of java really added to my grotesque gassiness. For once it wasn’t raining and I just sat at the edge of the garage like a swollen statue and thanked God above for my kids, family, and all that I had. Then I ripped a fart that could have knocked the horn off rhino. The dudes three miles under the earth over at Norad ordered a fly over just to make sure this wasn’t a level-5 terror threat. No real damage other than a ruined pair of shorts…And I’m pretty sure I killed a family of squirrels in a neighboring tree.

alexander-von-humboldt-pen_48Took a drive to Borders Books, guzzled an icy cold Seattle’s Best, and read for free for a couple of hours. Actually spent time with the newest Cigar Aficionado and I am now and expert on 20,000 dollar fountain pens and Dubai ocean front tennis courts. And I’m also having an incredible hankering for some Grey Poupon. I’m also up on all of Marvin Shanken’s wacky golf antics and I am so jealous. I can now cultivate eggs for my own homemade caviar and got to read the latest Netjets ad. You know, I think I actually remember reading something about cigars somewhere near the back of the book. Something about balsa wood, leather, and roasted meat flavors seems to stand out in my memory. Hell, this whole weekend was a collection of roasted meat flavors.

montypythonsmeaningoflifemrcreosoteitsonlywaferthin1Then last night it was another round of leftover cheeseburgers and Rocky Balboa could have used my bowels as a punching bag. After that was leftover desserts and a fancy French waiter asked if I wanted just on thin little mint. Around 9:30 my dad stopped by, I gave him a big hug and a few maduros for the road. That was a nice was to cap off a hell of a weekend by yours truly. But at 10pm I fired up one last stogie and listened to the pouring rain beat down upon my driveway, once again

big_boobsI hope you dudes have some good Father’s Day stuff to talk about right here. Let’s hear it boys, and if I don’t respond for a while, know that I’m most likely clogging the home’s plumbing facilities.

Oh yeah, I saved the cheesecake fer last. Enjoy.

Have a swell week youz guys.
Tommy Z.
JR Cigars Blog With the Zman

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