Let the Cigar Games Begin, by Tommy Zman
The Summer Olympics are coming and some of you will be glued to the screen nightly, and some don’t give a rat’s ash if it happens or not. But I have a sure fire way to get the entire stogie loving world interested in the games, and that is to make it the Cigar Olympics.
Yes, while the Cigar Olympics would cause great controversy, lovers of the leaf would tune in for an entire day’s worth puro-burning competition. As the participants march into the stadium, every cigarthelete will have the stogie of his or her choice dangling their lips while the official flag displays the five smoke rings, signifying cigar smoker unity across the globe. Then when the gigantic torch lighter is lit, the games have officially begun.
How I envision it (in my warped and fertile brain) is that every athlete that participates in every real sport that competes must have a lit cigar in their mouth. The soccer and basketball players are running around while puffing away as the equestrian folks ride and enjoy their sticks. The sprinters and hurdlers chomp down, while the pole vault and high jumpers clench for dear life because as the rules state, that cigar has got to stay lit in your mouth at all times. You might imagine, it’s going to be a bitch for the swimmers, hence the term, “keeping your head above water.”
Fencing will be a tough one as the goal is no longer to hit the target on the chest, but rather stab the cigar that protrudes from the swashbuckler’s face. Boxing: knock the stoag from your opponent’s puss and it’s a CKO. Weightlifting: the bar has to clear your cigar, as you are given a longer length stick thru each successful round. Archery: fire a lancero into the distant ashtray. Javelin toss: hurl the Double Corona as far as you can. High beam, long jump, floor exercises, and rowing… just hang on to those fiery figurados as you go for the gold. Diving: well, that’s just not going to work.
Now the Decathlon could be cool as the participants actually have to smoke ten different cigars in different sizes and lengths from a variety of cigar producing nations. While I’m not exactly sure how you crown the gold medal winner, I know that I’m going to the trials with all intention of smoking my brains out for my country. I am one patriotic son of a bitch when it comes to this kind of stuff and I will do what I have to, to get my smoke filled face on the front of every god damned Wheaties box in the United States of America! (Losing is not an option for me when it comes to cigar smoking.) And of course, the grand finally event of the entire games would be the Herfathon – with smokers from every nation proudly puffing their Punch Partagas, and Perdomo for as long as their ashes can last! Wow… yeah, those are genuine tears of euphoria welling up in my eyes, people.
Okay, so the entire concept is a tad silly you say? Well, I don’t think so… you see, I’m a dreamer and I always have been. The cigar Olympics is something that could bring the world together and just could put an end to all conflict and strife. Yeah, like I said, I’m a dreamer, but I think it’s a pretty good one…
DON’T MISS – The NEW JR•Cigar Catalog is out and you can read my regular column on page 98: What Really Roasts My Robusto! This issue’s story is entitled: The Ultimate Answer to saving the World (and if you love cigars, you’re gonna love where I’m headed with this one!)
VERY IMPORTANT: I urge you to PLEASE SUPPORT Cigar Rights of America as they continue to deal with congress, the senate, and all US legislators who need to be made aware that our cigars are the best friends we know of and we will fight like hell to keep them in our lives! >>http://cigarrrights.org
JR Cigars Blog with the Zman
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