Trick or Treatin’ Again in 2010
For the last decade or so, my Halloween tradition has been the same – sit in a lawn chair at the edge of the garage, smoke cigars, drink scotch, pass gas, and frighten children and their moms. I definitely think I’ve become the creepy old man that lives up the street. Hey, everybody’s got to aspire to something and I believe I’ve found my personal inner greatness.
“But mommy,” cries the Little Mermaid in her flowing red wig. “What about THAT house?” “We’ll, uh, um… we’ll come back later, honey,” says the protective mother as she quickly scoots her offspring past the lingering aroma of a smoldering JR Principales. “Come on, mom,” pleads little Buzz Light Year, as he hops about in a sugar induced, glucose-laden tirade, “they’ve got Reese’s two packs over there!”
But momma bear will have no part of it. “Stay the hell away from that scary man. He’s is foul and disgusting and is leering at your mommy.”
And at that, I just raise my glass and nod as it is obvious that I have done my job here. Now listen, I know I shouldn’t smoke around the little one’s and I don’t. While I’m perched like a vapid scarecrow at the top of my garage entrance, I’m a good 35 feet from the front door. I don’t offer the kiddies any of my Balvenie Doublewood and I wait ‘til they leave to emit any guttural body noises. Hey, this is MY house and MY property, and if yer youngin’s want some free treats, then they’re just gonna have to put up with my appalling and tasteless idiosyncrasies.
Halloween time is incredibly nostalgic. Jeez, I remember when we were kids, people would answer the door in their boxer shorts with cigarettes hanging from their lips and a Budweiser clutched in their hand (and those were the women)… But we never minded one bit as the bowl of goodies they held was filled to the brim with Milky Way Bars the size of Hank Aaron’s bat and Peppermint Patties bigger than frisbees. The pillow sacks of candy that my brother and I brought home weighed 20 pounds each, and that was only half way through the 
afternoon! We’d have a quick bite to eat then head out for round two of our insatiable quest for candy. There was always a nice old lady or two that had fresh jelly and caramel apples, but that came to a grinding halt when various whack jobs and products of Hitler youth started putting razor blades in the apples. And, are you old enough to remember “Trick or Treat for Unicef?” I can’t tell you how many of the little bastards I grew up with actually kept the money they collected. What a time we had trick or treating back then. Ah, the spoils of my youth.
You know what, next Halloween I’m going to buy bundles of JR Alternatives and hand them out for the kids to give to their dads. How much you want to bet that I have about 50 cigar-sucking dudes joining me at the edge of my garage next year? I’ll do a BYOB Herf of Horror, set up my barbecue in the driveway, and I guarantee it’ll be the talk of the neighborhood. Hey, please do your RSVP now, it’s sure to fill up fast and seating is limited.
My final thought is that I simply can’t even fathom that it’s November 1st already and the holidays will be here and gone before you know it! Okay, that’s it for today… I’ve got a freezer full of left over Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups to nosh on for the net two days. I’ve already alerted the paramedics to check on me every hour before I go into my chocolate induced comma. Yeah, how sweet it is.
Til next week, my Bruthas and Sistas of the Leaf,
Tommy Z.
JR Cigars Blog With the Zman
