A Curmudgeony Holiday Season

If you look through the past three years worth of my December blogs, I have done an awful lot of bitching, whining, and moaning about the so-called joyous holiday season. Whether it’s the goddamned car and jewelry commercials, the putting up lights and decorations, or the fact that we are expected to spend the money that we don’t have and put ourselves deeper into debt, I am continuing to become more of a rotten f@#king Scrooge-ass with each an every passing year.

grinchListen, I understand human compassion and the need to help those less fortunate, and I’ve certainly done plenty of helping my fellow man. But every single day there is some high school kid, Brownie den mother, or Salvation Army dude ding-a-linging his bell, hawking me for dough at every storefront and it’s really starting to bug the crap outta me. We’re all feeling the air-vent choking squeeze of this economy and I know in a couple of weeks my wife will be looking for the Lexus with the giant bow in the driveway – and once again, I will disappoint to the max with a sweater that only a cigar sucking Polack could pick out.

My son told me that one of his teachers is giving extra credit if you bring in toys for needy kids. Now I’m always cool with that, but then he told me that the teacher asked for five unopened, unwrapped toys for ten extra points this morning? FIVE TOYS? Are your freaking kidding me?! That’s at least 50 bucks worth of goods and I personally think it’s a hell of a lot to ask for this time of year! I wrote the woman an email asking if she follows the Dow, the unemployment figures, and the economic data reports. Wow, five toys? That’s a ho-ho-ho of a shake down if you ask me.

LEXUS-LS-460bowMan, I just read back what I wrote so far and while I admittedly sound like one hell of a sour Grinchy-grump, I’m going to bet that most of you guys are feeling the same way. Kids across America are begging Santa for XBOX Live, Guitar Hero 27, ipads, ipods, Wii’s and a host of electronic gadgetry, while daddy and mommy are begging their employers to keep their jobs and our government for some well needed tax relief.

I really think it’s time for me to put on some bogus make-shift Santa suit and hang in front of the A&P and beg for cigars. The contents of my humidor is getting dangerously low and if everybody else can mooch and pose these grotesque guilt trips, why the hell can’t I?

stclaus“Excuse me maam, cigars for the needy?” as I don a cheesy stained rat beard while holding out a plastic Halloween pumpkin painted red and green.

“Get away from me you perverted letch! I’m calling the cops on you right now, you sick old p.o.s. dirtbag!”

And I just take it with a grain of salt because that was my wife. And after 8 straight hours of giving it my best, I’d end up with 3 pineapple flavored white owls, 16 pennies, a scorching Dunkin Donuts Latte dumped on my package, and ride in a nice warm squad car.

So is it just me, or are you guys getting more perturbed with every kiss that begins with Kay, the douche bag who went to Jared, and the money grubber at the exit of every local retailer? I want some real suggestions in today’s comments on what we all can do about putting an end to this holiday wallet-emptying madness! Isn’t it time that retailers stopped depending on one month of the year to make up for 50% of their year’s sales? Isn’t it time to tell the little ones that Kris Kringle is a ridiculous fib and that daddy’s 401k is worth about a third of what it used to be? Whatta ya say, boys?

And as an annoying as hell FYI, The night I put my lights up last week, half of the strands blew out. So I went to Walmart for replacements and they don’t make those pieces of crap any longer so I had to by all new lights, take the old one’s down, and climb the frigid ladder all over again. The department manager at Walmart says, “Yeah, those light didn’t work too good, so we discontinued ‘em.” Well… Isn’t that just special.

Hey, if ya want some Holiday cigar gift suggestions, whether for a friend or your most deserving self, check out the Zman’s gift list below. You can never go wrong with the loving gift of premium handrolled tobacco, now can you?


Handmade HON
Wrapper: ECSU/CTBL    Binder: CT    Filler: HON/NIC
Full Bodied

BOLIVAR COFRADIAOriginally created at the Villazon Factory by the legendary Estelo Padron, the Bolivar Cofradia is a bold, robust smoke with heavy flavors of earth and spice. This is a rich blend of the finest hearty tobaccos in the world today, and proves to be his strongest blend to date. This full bodied cigar is intoxicating with its decadent flavors, heady aroma, and intense finish. Packed in heavy Spanish cedar cabinets, it is a cigar crafted for the most experienced of connoisseurs.


Handmade HON
Wrapper: ECSU/CTBL    Binder: HON    Filler: HON
Medium-Full Bodied

EL REY DEL MUNDOEl Rey del Mundo is a classic Cuban brand featuring a symphony of delectable Honduran flavors, impeccable construction, perfect burn and draw, and an enchantingly complex blend of the finest tobaccos. They are available in both Ecuador Sumatra EMS and dark Connecticut broadleaf maduro wrappers. These are arguably one of the finest cigars made in the world today – bar none. An absolute “must try” cigar for all!


Handmade NIC
Wrapper: ECSU    Binder: ECSU    Filler: HON/NIC
Medium-Full Bodied

GENUINE COUNTERFEIT CUBANSThe Genuine Counterfeit Cuban Cigar is a blend of potent Esteli, Nicaraguan Ligero and Viso from the Perez Plantation, mixed with a base of Cuban-seed Seco. Bound with an Ecuadorian binder and rich, silky rosado Ecuadorian Sumatran wrapper, this cuadrado-pressed cigar offers the smoker a velvety-soft smoking experience with a distinct spicy bite.


Handmade DR
Wrapper: ECSU    Binder: CTBL    Filler: DR/NIC/PERU
Full Bodied

JOSE SEIJASThis isn’t just a box of cigars, it’s a trunk of cigars. José Seijas, “el jefe” of Tabacalera de Garcia (the world’s largest individual cigar factory), has commissioned a select group of merchants to sell his own favorite blend: The José Seijas Signature Blend. Fuller in body than the classic Montecristos and Romeos his factory normally turns out, this is a cigar-smoker’s cigar – luxurious, decadent flavors and robust in body. Made in La Romana, wrapped in Ecuador, enjoyed in Heaven!

Ho, ho, ho, my Bro,

Tommy Z


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