Monkey drinking beer
As more and more states adopt repugnant tobacco taxes in a thoughtless (and most likely devastating) attempt to destroy our beloved cigar industry, they are also further kicking us in proverbial nut-sack by creating laws that prohibit smoking in public places such as parks, beaches, bars, restaurants and, in some extreme cases, even your own backyard! But bizarre laws are a part of our worldly culture; many were created several hundred years ago but never taken off the books. I’ll bet you didn’t know that in the state of Florida, you’re breaking the law if you keep a hippo on the roof of a building. And how’s about this one from Maryland: You’re breaking the law if you take a lion to the movies with you unless the theatre is showing
Brokeback Mountain, which seems to relax them. And in Idaho, you’re breaking the law if your horse eats a fire hydrant. “Trigger, be a good boy while daddy goes into Walgreens, and please don’t eat that fire hydrant!”
In Colorado, you’re breaking the law if you throw a missile at a car. Let’s all be honest, folks, didn’t you ever wish you had a missile when you are running late for work and are stuck behind an elderly man in his Buick La Sabre with a “Proud Grandpa” bumper sticker driving 25mph in the fast lane?
There is even a law in Champaign, Illinois, that (understandably) makes it illegal for someone to pee in the mouth of his next-door neighbor. “Hey Harry, turn down that blasted TV or I’ll piss in your mouth!”
Well, these same senseless laws are copiously applied to the tobacco industry. Recently, they’ve become more obvious; our whole world is becoming one big giant “No Smoking” sign. Not limited to any one state or any one country, strange smoking laws can be found almost anywhere. So, fellow “bloglodites,” let’s take a look at some of the most ridiculous smoking laws on our planet. And what better place to start then my beloved home state of New Jersey, where we are blessed with 10 months of slush, snow and rain followed by eight weeks of heat and humidity that can rival downtown Cambodia.
While a sign reading “Do Not Feed the Animals” is common in most zoos, New Jersey takes this concept one step further by passing a law that prohibits people from giving local zoo animals cigars or whiskey. But, being that cigars and whiskey are the only specifics named, it leads one to wonder if providing the animals with a nice cold Yuengling and a carton of Lucky Strikes would be frowned upon? I know we are talking about the Garden State, but since The Big Apple is right across the pond so to speak, I must mention this: On a recent trip to the Bronx Zoo, the Mayor noticed that the hippos were very overweight so he has passed a law that they can only have an eight-ounce cup of Mountain Dew with their leaves and nuts. (I promise that was the last New York giant soda joke from me. I just couldn’t resist!)
On to Indiana, then. In South Bend, it is illegal to make a monkey smoke a cigarette. This law goes back to 1924 when a monkey named Gary was found guilty of the crime of smoking a cigarette and forced to pay a fine of $25, as well as trial costs. Luckily, this primate caught the attention of Koko, Gordo and Bubbles, the finest team of monkey attorneys in the state of Indiana, and they were able to prove that he was actually smoking a De Nobli Toscani. After a grueling trial, Gary was acquitted of all charges.
The cozy little coastal town of Newport, Rhode Island, has a law that prohibits people from smoking a pipe after sunset… though any other time is fine! Not knowing this obscure law, I learned the hard way: In 1979, while attending an outdoor Iron Maiden concert, I decided right after the first set, which happened to be well past sunset, to smoke a bowl of Dunhill Nightcap in my favorite Brebbia pipe. Before I knew what hit me I was surrounded by three cops and then handcuffed and taken to the Newport police station! Deathly scared of facing prison time, I tried to convince the desk sergeant that I was just smoking weed like everyone else at the concert. The lead detective summoned a kid named Ernie, who was a salesman at the Pipe World three blocks from the station house, to immediately come down to the interrogation room, where he confirmed that it was indeed the dreaded pipe tobacco. I was subsequently issued a summons for $4.95 and ordered never to return to Newport after sundown.
In the Missouri town of Marceline, minors are allowed to purchase rolling papers and tobacco, but they aren’t allowed to purchase lighters. For 17 straight years after this law was enacted, all that these poor kids could do was to look at their stash longingly with no way to fire it up. Then, in 1976, history was made in little Marceline when a local stoner who went by the name of “Numbnutz” came up with a brilliant idea while cow tipping with a bunch of his nicotine starved friends: “Yo, dudes… let’s use matches!”
Just when you think you’ve heard it all in regards to rules, there is a law in Zion, Illinois, that prohibits owners from giving a lit cigar to any of their domesticated animals. While the law specifically names dogs and cats, it surely applies to any kind of pet such as hamsters, ferrets and goldfish. None of these pets are allowed to smoke cigars, no matter how much they beg and plead. After lying dormant for years, this law was strictly enforced in the spring of 2007 when Jake Vonderhoof and his Yorkshire terrier, Gretchen, were arrested; both were smoking a Punch Café Royal. Vanderhoof is currently serving 10 years at Leavenworth and Gretchen was adopted by a nonsmoking Mormon family in Provo, Utah.
And now for shits and giggles, let’s travel the globe for some more fun-filled tobacco laws.
Australia has a law that bans children from purchasing cigars or cigarettes. This isn’t particularly strange, as many countries have similar and very understandable regulations. However, Australia stands out because children, though they can’t purchase tobacco, are legally allowed to consume it. As long as they get an adult to buy it for them, Australian children are freely allowed to smoke a cigar in front of a policeman, a parent, a teacher or even a kangaroo. Surprisingly though, many kangaroos do not tolerate the smell of cigar smoke. On a recent trip to the Australian Outback, (and I certainly do not condone underage smoking), I was thoroughly enjoying my J•R Ultimate No. 1 in Double Maduro on a particularly gorgeous day when I stumbled upon a kangaroo who asked me in a very rude manner to extinguish my smoke. “Excuse me,” I said, “we are outdoors and I have every right to smoke!” While rubbing her massive hooves in the sand, Mrs. Kangaroo replied, “Look, asshole, my kids can’t stand the smell. Now put it out if you want to keep your balls!” Needless to say, I begrudgingly honored her request.
In France, there even is a law that affects the most essential smoker’s accessory, the ashtray! Yep, your garden-variety ashtray in the land of cheese and wine is considered a deadly weapon. You must be thinking that this is because people can use ashtrays to hit others. Well, you can hurt anybody with just about anything blunt or heavy, so why the ashtray in particular? Okay, let me explain how this started by offering you all a little known fact that is even obscure in most history journals.
Tush Grab
Aristide Briand, a French statesman who was premier 11 times during from 1909 through 1929, was most famous for his accomplishments as foreign minister during the middle and late 1920s. He was hosting a dinner for Henri Philippe Fafoofnik, a renowned French entrepreneur and the inventor of the now famous loofah sponge. After dinner and far too many drinks, Briand and Fafoofnik retired to the study to enjoy a couple of fine Havana cigars and yet more booze. Toward the end of the evening, Briand’s wife, Sofia, entered the study to see if the men would care for some pastry. Abruptly and for no apparent reason other than total inebriation, Fafoofnik grabbed Madam Briand’s tush, prompting an angered Aristide to smash him over the head with a very heavy crystal ashtray. Fafoofnik suffered severe brain damage and spent the rest of his days at the Bicêtre (the Paris mental asylum for men) dressed in a long powder-blue evening gown and entertaining himself by talking to his sock puppet, Lester. Thus, from that tragic day on, in France the ashtray was deemed a weapon.
Well, that’s all for now and thank you for letting me waste your time. All of these laws are completely true. Only the names (and most of the facts) were changed to protect the innocent.
And always remember to smoke ’em if you got ’em. But be careful out there!
