Golfing and Cigar Smoking for Dummies by Steve Nathan

Last weekend, I turned on the TV just for some background noise while I scoured through useless websites on my laptop and it just so happens that the Masters Tournament was on. I understand that this is the prestigious event where the winner gets an ugly green polyester sport coat. Really? If I want to look like my father in all those douchey family Polaroids from the 1960s, I can just drive to Kmart and buy the same jacket without setting foot on a golf course!

But as I read about how to repair a burn hole in my carpet (which I acquired from an evening of reckless cigar smoking), I found it soothing to listen to the subdued announcers whisper cute words like “bogie” and “birdie.”

I guess you can tell by now that I really do not enjoy the sport of golf. Of course, most of you will disagree, as golf is an enormously popular sport as well as being the traditional rite of passage among men who need a special day to bond with each other and talk about how they would like to shtup the head cashier at Pathmark. (Okay, I admit it, that’s just my problem and it has nothing to do with golf. Sorry!) Not to mention that a healthy round of golf is the best way to avoid the dreaded “honey-do” list, or spend the day with the wifey looking for the perfect shower curtain.

From my perspective, it just seems like such an effort in futility—driving a cart 19 miles to hit a little ball into a hole. But I do respect the sport; in fact, it is hard as hell! I even tried playing a few times (actually for about 20 minutes) and with a swing that the Bambino would admire, I still only managed to drive the ball six inches past my left foot!

So why in the hell am I writing about golf? Because I know most of you folks love it. Plus it has some very distinct advantages, the main one being that it is probably the only sport that you can participate in while simultaneously enjoying a great cigar (at least on the courses that still allow it, that is), although I hear that lawn darts and horseshoes are also perfect venues for gnawing on a stogie… but you don’t get to drive a funny cart and wear a bright-orange polo shirt with matching plaid pants. So, being the liberal-minded fellow I am, I thought I would point out what I feel may be the beauty of this great game even though a cocker spaniel could easily figure out that I am undeniably the worst person on the planet to write about golfing since I only played the for that 20 minutes and the only club that I am familiar with is the Elks. (Wow, that joke really sucked, even for me.)

Time: Look, golf ain’t exactly football. There’s no clock… although it would be interesting if another group of golfers could tackle you before you get to the next hole (which would drastically increase the TV audience). So with no time clock and 732 miles of grass, sand and lakes, you have… what? About 10 hours to enjoy at least three quality smokes before you hit the 19th hole?

Outdoors: This one is pretty much self-explanatory: You’re outside and, for the most part, not bound by those repugnant no-smoking laws. So you can take in the scenic grass (“rough”), the sand (“bunkers”) and calming ponds (“hazards”). By the way, I Googled all these terms so I wouldn’t look like a total chump.

And most importantly, you can use this occasion to drink a shitload of beer and talk about the head teller at a certain bank in Old Bridge, NJ, who has a set of knockers to die for! (Oy, that’s just me again; I better lower my dose of Cialis. Speaking of Cialis, when the moment arises, what’s the point of sitting in separate bathtubs in the woods? Wow, did I digress. Anyway…)

Cigars, Cigars, Cigars: Okay, duh… this is the only perk of playing golf that I know about. Considering that you will be lingering on that course for about the same time it would take me to walk from my house to Delaware, this is your opportunity to fire up a big-ass cigar that even the late Ernie Kovacs would marvel at. But, please, be forewarned: If you fire up a powerhouse Nicaraguan when you tee off at 7:00am with just a bowl of Wheaties in your belly, you stand an excellent chance of blowing chunks on those silly spiked shoes with the black tassels that you paid a fortune for. So before you grab your balls, know what strength you can handle when the sun is rising. I recommend starting out mild and then, five hours and 16 miles later when you are on your fifth hole and sixth beer, you can smoke that massive double-maduro five-alarm monster… and you won’t even feel it!

How many cigars? That’s totally up to you but unless you’re a real pro with an ugly green Kmart jacket, you can never totally count on having a great game. But I guarantee that you will always have a great day on the links while smoking your beloved cigar (or cigars, plural, as the case may be).

In summary, it’s always a great experience spending a beautiful spring day on the golf course enjoying great cigars with good friends. If nothing else, it beats a boring day parked in front of the boob tube or having your wife suddenly barge into the bathroom while you are primping in front of the vanity mirror wearing her strapless blue-chiffon evening gown. Trust me, that’s very embarrassing!

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