Take My Wife, Please…but Leave My Cigars, by Tommy Zman

Ah, the quote made famous by the late, great Henny Youngman, “Take My Wife, Please!” Then there was the legendary writer, Sir Rudyard Kipling who’s love for the hand rolled leaf knew no bounds as he often talked about cigars in his writings. When once asked what he would do if his wife objected to his unbridled love for cigar smoking, Kipling simply required, “Get a new wife.”

Picture 20Now why do I bring this up, you ask. Simple: My Wife HATES CIGARS. Okay, is there a word stronger than hate?… disdain, loathes, deplores, can’t freakin’ stand? Yeah, it’s true, my friends, and as the years go by it’s getting even more hateful.

Now, let me explain… she is a good woman, wife, and incredibly loving mother. She has a great job, works hard, and is just an extremely nice lady. But since day one, a good 17 years ago, she just cannot stand the look, smell, and smokiness of cigars and that will never change. She friggin hates ‘em, people. I’m trying to find a stronger word, but HATE really seems to sum it up just fine.

Why is this? I’m not really sure because the irony here is that I love cigars almost as much as life itself. I am a cigar freak, a tobaccoholic, a psycho for Siglo’s, a wacko for Warlock, a crazy for Cain. If this were the early 1900’s, I would have been one of those guys who smoked 20 a day like Freud, Twain, and JP Morgan. I would have wreaked from head to toe with breath like a barn fire, but you know what – I wouldn’t give a rat’s ash because I LOVE CIGARS. Now, unfortunately for me, as you already know by now, my wife hates them.

Okay, here’s the interesting part: She’s NOT a smoke Nazi at all and doesn’t believe it should be outlawed, and in fact she supports a person’s right to choose a legal product and enjoy it. She just doesn’t like ME smoking cigars because she says I smell horrible, we have kids, and she doesn’t want me to drop dead. Well, that’s incredibly noble of my gal, but if I stopped smoking today and a bus decides to take me out next week, I’m really gonna be one pissed mother f@#ker from the great beyond.

The REAL ironic madness of this whole situation is that most of the work I have done for the past ten years in the cigar industry has paid for our mortgage, fed the family, and is putting my daughter through college. But as you know, my fellow Cromags, when a woman has her mind made up, there is simply ZERO chance of a peaceful resolution. And after 24 years of so-called joint bliss I have come to the conclusion that I don’t speak “cement.” You ever have a friend that your wife or girl didn’t like? Forget it… friendship over. Does your significant other constantly remind you of the time you didn’t hold the restaurant door open for her… 16 f@#king years ago?! Has she started turning into a clone of her mother as the years go by? Yeah, uh-huh.

kipling1Now some of you are quite lucky, as your wives don’t mind your cigars, encourage you to enjoy them, and even purchase them as gifts on holidays and special occasions. The day my wife buys me a cigar, well, maybe I just hit Mega-Millions or something, but that’s probably about it.

Hey, listen, I didn’t want you to come out of this disliking my wife because that wasn’t my goal. Like I said, she a great person – she just has a tobacco flaw in her brain and it’s only when “I” smoke them. My only reason for writing this tale of woe was admittedly for selfish reasons. It’s basically a cathartic attempt to deal with something I can’t reason with and a little encouragement from my fellow ball-scratchers would go a long way – mainly because the weather is gorgeous now and I’m smoking my stoags like a demon.

Thank you my BOTL’s & SOTL’s. Maybe some of you suffer from the spouse hating cigars affliction as well. If so, I’d love to hear cuz as they say, sharing is caring. And if your spouse actually likes ‘em, don’t rub it in, I need the support. I’m dealing with this, one day at a time…

Stay Smoky My friends,


JR Cigars Blog with the Zman

> Check out this week’s JR WEEKLY CIGAR SPECIALS!!! <

Looking for something?

Use the form below to search the site:

Still not finding what you're looking for? Drop a comment on a post or contact us so we can take care of it!