That’s Just Terrellible

Gosh, today’s news headlines are a real peach… Gunman kills 8 in nursing home rampage… Man decapitates two sisters at 5 year-old’s birthday party… 22 killed in Ivory Coast soccer stadium stampede… Australian’s commit euthanasia croaking thousands of toads… Jury Urges Death for man who tossed four children off an 80-foot bridge…Four charged in airport biker brawl… Scandalized whoring evangelist bites it in hospital…General Motors CEO tossed on his ass… and Miley Cyrus dominates Kid’s Choice Awards. Oh what a sick and twisted world we live in where an untalented mullet-headed country goon’s kid becomes the love of children everywhere. It is indeed a psychotic world, rampant with carnage and malice.

amd_owensBut maybe worst of all is the much-maligned wide receiver who may have a point when he says that the whole world is against him. Yes, I’m referring to the Terrellible One.

The always gracious and humble Terrell Owens, the NFL’s version of the ebola virus, claims that there was a conspiracy in Dallas that led to his being let go by team management. Much like Dallas’s other great conspiracy theory, you know, the grassy knoll of Dealy Plaza, three gunmen, yada, yada, yada, this one is rife with mystery and intrigue. Okay, maybe that was a little rough comparing him to a flesh eating disease. I guess you could just say he’s your regular everyday bout of cancer for any locker room he dresses in.

0926_large“You hear all the speculation, and you talk to the owner of the team, and he reassures you that you’re not going anywhere, and then, out of left field you get blindsided,” says Mr. Happy, Happy, Joy, Joy.

Poor, poor Terrell. But hey, let’s show some respect here and call the man by his real moniker, “T.O.” I mean, he’s gotta have a special name simply because he’s so much more specialer than your average every day NFL nobody.

“I know whole-heartedly he [Jerry Jones] wanted me there,” Owens told Rogers Sportsnet of Canada. “There were some people I know who got in his ear that pressured him to make that decision. For that, it’s sad. You let two or three people conspire to get me out of the situation.”

Gee, gooly, gosh, Terrell, what are we all gonna do, big fella?

2471All right, let’s cut the crap. Terrell Owens is a f@#king pariah. He’s a magnificent turd, the elusive floatie that spirals around the bowl but will not flush no matter how many times you jiggle the handle. This loathsome prick has caused disharmony for every team he has played for. While in San Fransisco, he eluded to the media that quarterback Jeff Garcia was a tad light in the cleats and enjoyed an occasional shot of post-game throat yogurt. In Philadelphia, he tossed QB Donavan McNab under a Broadstreet bus while claiming that the team would be better off with a leader like Brett Farve. He blamed Jessica Simpson for the Cowboy’s 2008 playoff loss to the Giants, and threw a world-class hissy fit after the Pittsburgh game this past season, claiming that Romo and his other receivers were in cahoots to leave ol’ numba 81 out of the equation. Of course, there was that soap opera crying bout after the Giants game as well, “That’s ma teammate…Sniffle, cry, sniff… that’s ma quarterback…”I think we can all strap a blazing L on to the front of that helmet.

284238_f260Of course, after the Cowboys sent him packing, Owens did not remain without a team for long as there is always a franchise who will give a loathsome dirtbag another shot. He’ll play in Buffalo this season, a frigid northeast town with several hundred feet of snowfall annually, enough to stiffen those 35 year-old bones.

“They were really after me,” says the pigskin megalomaniac. “They wanted me, despite everything that had been said negatively about me. It was a no-brainer.”

Oh he’ll be a good boy at first, maybe a week or two, but then Owens will do something that gains attention because he is a world-class media whore if there ever was one. Will he O.D. on “payin’ pee-ills” again and miss practice?… call quarterback Trent Edwards a baloney smoker?…sign game balls with Sharpies? It’s only a matter of time before the man screams out, “LOOK AT ME! EVERYONE LOOK AT ME!!! I’M TERRELL OWENS DAMNIT! LOOKEE OVER HERE!!!”

toIt’s all about T.O., people. He’s bigger than the game itself. It’s all about Terrell.

There have always been hateful pricks that when they play for YOUR team, you’ve got to learn to love ‘em. When Barry Bonds parks one in San Fran, nobody sits on their hands and politely says, “Yeah.” When Denis Rodman plowed an opponent while donning a nuclear green fro, Bulls fans never kept quiet. While Sean Avery waved his hands in Devils goalie, Martin Broduer’s face – enough to have the NHL create a rule about it – Rangers fans cheered with delight. And when Terrell Owens catches a touchdown pass this fall, and stands in the end zone with his Jesus Christ pose, Bills fans will hoot and holler - maybe as many times as when he drops a crucial third and five, delivered right in his hands.

Enjoy the rest of the Week. Now talk amongst yer selves.

Tommy Z.

JR Cigars Blog With the Zman

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