The Wealthiest of Windbags

List of 12 Top-Earning Show Host Personalities on AOL today:

1. Oprah Winfrey — $275 million
2. Dr. Phil McGraw — $80 million
3. Simon Cowell — $75 million
4. Howard Stern — $70 million
5. Rush Limbaugh — $54 million
6. Donald Trump — $50 million
7. David Letterman — $46 million
7. Judge Judy — $45 million
9. Ryan Seacrest — $38 million
10. Ellen DeGeneres — $35 million
11. Jay Leno — $32 million
12. Tyra Banks — $30 million

Holy Christ on the cross, that is a lot of moolah, folks. The 12 people combined make a total of 802 million dollars. That, my friends, is just outright obscene.

You know, I look at this and wonder what the hosts of old would be making by today’s standards – names like Johnny Carson, Dean Martin, Dick Cavett, Dinah Shore, Merv Griffin, Mike Douglas and other greats of their eras. The present day top dozen is a weird and eclectic mix of so-called stars and iconic windbags, for sure.

Let’s take a look-see…shall we?…

#12. Tyra Banks.
Wow, I don’t get it. Ok, she’s a supposed super model. I don’t think she’s so hot and she is a crappy show host. The drama she tries to portray is staged, forced, and uninteresting. I saw an episode of her show once where she went back to her high school and they showed her yearbook picture, and of course today’s Tyra looks SO NOTHING like she once did, that I think calling her a super model is a farce. Everything is fake: nose, cheeks, boobs, hair – there is no natural beauty. But may I say that for thirty mil, I too would get a new shnaz and a big ol’ pair of hooters. Come on people… don’t hate me because I’m beautiful.

#11 Jay Leno
If you know anything at all about this guy, he has worked so goddamned hard to get where he is. The man is relentless and dedicated. Okay, so his car collection is worth more than the gross national product of Guadalupe., but everybody’s gotta have a hobby, right? The tonight show is an American institution and to me, the host is supposed to get major bucks. I have no problem with Leno on this list and by all rights, he should be a lot higher up the ladder, if you ask me.

#10 Ellen DeGeneres
I’m sure you Neanderthals are expecting some crude lesbians jokes and what not, but I’ve actually always like DeGeneres. She’s a funny comedian and a decent show host because she’s sincere and down to earth. Unlike Rosie, Ellen is pretty much unassuming, and looks like a regular everyday guy. She’s not offensive in anyway and has worked incredibly hard to be accepted. Face it, to come out as she did took a lot of balls, which she just my have, but that’s not the point. What is the point? Not sure, but she makes a hell of a lot of dough as the only openly gay person on the list. Kudos to Ms. D. (I said balls…heh, heh.)

#9 Ryan Seacrest
Whatever you think of this unassuming dwarf, he has invented himself as a brand and has marketed himself quite well. Every week he stands up to Simon Cowell’s acerbic assholiness, and that alone should be worth mucho dollars. The imp just signed a three years deal on Idol for 45 mil. And for some reason, chicks dig him. I think being #9 on this list may have something to do with it.

#8 Judge Judy
WTF? I was blown away by this one. Judge Judy is like Jerry Springer with a gavel. It’s retard television and I simply cannot believe what this bossy old broad makes. A real statement of our mindless culture.

#7 David Letterman
He wanted Carson’s job and didn’t get it, he has a queen for a band director, and now makes more money than Leno. Plus the dude gave up cigars for health reasons. I just can’t respect that.

#6 Donald Trump
The 50 mil only refers to the money he makes as host of the Apprentice. He’s a brutal windbag, his hair is an endangered species, his daughter is gorgeous, as are his string of wives. And even though he’s a megalomaniac of mammoth proportions, I like his friggin show. I don’t know why exactly, but I probably should have a mental examination. Did I mention his daughter is friggin hot?

#5 Rush Limbaugh
Love or hate him, the man is brilliant and has created his own cottage industry. Sure he’s one-sided and full of himself to know end, but the guy has a faithful listening audience every single day, and 50% of those people hate him more than Satan himself. As much as he is a staunch Republican, his best material comes when a democrat is in office. 54 million sure is an awful lot money to talk on the radio, ain’t it?

#4 Howard Stern
Love or hate him, the man is brilliant and has created his own cottage industry. Sure he’s one-sided and full of himself to know end, but the guy has a faithful listening audience every single day, and 50% of those people hate him more than Satan himself. Wait a minute, didn’t I just say that? Stern has successfully pandered to the cretin in all of us and for that, I applaud the guy. He has given credibility to satellite radio and fake breasted, hot dog swallowing lesbians everywhere.

#3 Simon Cowell
Before American Idol, I believe Cowell was making about 30 grand a year. Yes, he’s a sour prick with a bad haircut, but in my opinion, there’s no other real reason to watch the show. HE reportedly wants 100 million next season or he’ll walk. Paula’s leaving so I say give it to him. Give the limey bastid whatever he wants. He IS that show.

#2 Dr. Phil
You have got to be f@#king kidding me. No really, you’re jerkin’ my Ghurka, right? Guys, they don’t make blowhards any worse than this chrome domed Freudian slip. I’d rather watch a George Forman Grill infomercial than spend an hour with that baloney headed, sham. And I really laughed when that fat shyster came out with a diet book. But at 80 million a year, he’s the turkey necked prick laughing all the way to Fort Knox.

#1 Oprah
That’s it… just Oprah. You don’t need the last name, cuz she’s all that. Mindless house fraus across the world worship this broad like a goddess and I will NEVER in all my days understand the attraction. Men simply don’t get Oprah. Although if I was on one of those shows where she’s giving out cars or some crazy shit like that, maybe it would help sway my feelings. She made Dr. Phil of Shit and Rachel Ray, and any guest who appears on her show gets 12 trillion hits on their website and shops for a Lamborghini the following day. Listen guys, no matter how you slice it, 275 million dollars is sick money and no person on this earth, especially a broad with zero talent, should have this much power. That’s right, she doesn’t have a talent. She don’t sing, dance, spin plates or nothing. She’s just Oprah, and I don’t get it.

So that’s it. What say ye? Anything other than begging for boob shots like the knuckle-dragging apes many of you truly are?

And for the record, God, I hope I can make that list.

Tommy Z.

JR Cigars Blog with the Zman

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