Archive for March, 2009

That’s Just Terrellible

Monday, March 30th, 2009

Gosh, today’s news headlines are a real peach… Gunman kills 8 in nursing home rampage… Man decapitates two sisters at 5 year-old’s birthday party… 22 killed in Ivory Coast soccer stadium stampede… Australian’s commit euthanasia croaking thousands of toads… Jury Urges Death for man who tossed four children off an 80-foot bridge…Four charged in airport biker brawl… Scandalized whoring evangelist bites it in hospital…General Motors CEO tossed on his ass… and Miley Cyrus dominates Kid’s Choice Awards. Oh what a sick and twisted world we live in where an untalented mullet-headed country goon’s kid becomes the love of children everywhere. It is indeed a psychotic world, rampant with carnage and malice.

amd_owensBut maybe worst of all is the much-maligned wide receiver who may have a point when he says that the whole world is against him. Yes, I’m referring to the Terrellible One.

The always gracious and humble Terrell Owens, the NFL’s version of the ebola virus, claims that there was a conspiracy in Dallas that led to his being let go by team management. Much like Dallas’s other great conspiracy theory, you know, the grassy knoll of Dealy Plaza, three gunmen, yada, yada, yada, this one is rife with mystery and intrigue. Okay, maybe that was a little rough comparing him to a flesh eating disease. I guess you could just say he’s your regular everyday bout of cancer for any locker room he dresses in.

0926_large“You hear all the speculation, and you talk to the owner of the team, and he reassures you that you’re not going anywhere, and then, out of left field you get blindsided,” says Mr. Happy, Happy, Joy, Joy.

Poor, poor Terrell. But hey, let’s show some respect here and call the man by his real moniker, “T.O.” I mean, he’s gotta have a special name simply because he’s so much more specialer than your average every day NFL nobody.

“I know whole-heartedly he [Jerry Jones] wanted me there,” Owens told Rogers Sportsnet of Canada. “There were some people I know who got in his ear that pressured him to make that decision. For that, it’s sad. You let two or three people conspire to get me out of the situation.”

Gee, gooly, gosh, Terrell, what are we all gonna do, big fella?

2471All right, let’s cut the crap. Terrell Owens is a f@#king pariah. He’s a magnificent turd, the elusive floatie that spirals around the bowl but will not flush no matter how many times you jiggle the handle. This loathsome prick has caused disharmony for every team he has played for. While in San Fransisco, he eluded to the media that quarterback Jeff Garcia was a tad light in the cleats and enjoyed an occasional shot of post-game throat yogurt. In Philadelphia, he tossed QB Donavan McNab under a Broadstreet bus while claiming that the team would be better off with a leader like Brett Farve. He blamed Jessica Simpson for the Cowboy’s 2008 playoff loss to the Giants, and threw a world-class hissy fit after the Pittsburgh game this past season, claiming that Romo and his other receivers were in cahoots to leave ol’ numba 81 out of the equation. Of course, there was that soap opera crying bout after the Giants game as well, “That’s ma teammate…Sniffle, cry, sniff… that’s ma quarterback…”I think we can all strap a blazing L on to the front of that helmet.

284238_f260Of course, after the Cowboys sent him packing, Owens did not remain without a team for long as there is always a franchise who will give a loathsome dirtbag another shot. He’ll play in Buffalo this season, a frigid northeast town with several hundred feet of snowfall annually, enough to stiffen those 35 year-old bones.

“They were really after me,” says the pigskin megalomaniac. “They wanted me, despite everything that had been said negatively about me. It was a no-brainer.”

Oh he’ll be a good boy at first, maybe a week or two, but then Owens will do something that gains attention because he is a world-class media whore if there ever was one. Will he O.D. on “payin’ pee-ills” again and miss practice?… call quarterback Trent Edwards a baloney smoker?…sign game balls with Sharpies? It’s only a matter of time before the man screams out, “LOOK AT ME! EVERYONE LOOK AT ME!!! I’M TERRELL OWENS DAMNIT! LOOKEE OVER HERE!!!”

toIt’s all about T.O., people. He’s bigger than the game itself. It’s all about Terrell.

There have always been hateful pricks that when they play for YOUR team, you’ve got to learn to love ‘em. When Barry Bonds parks one in San Fran, nobody sits on their hands and politely says, “Yeah.” When Denis Rodman plowed an opponent while donning a nuclear green fro, Bulls fans never kept quiet. While Sean Avery waved his hands in Devils goalie, Martin Broduer’s face – enough to have the NHL create a rule about it – Rangers fans cheered with delight. And when Terrell Owens catches a touchdown pass this fall, and stands in the end zone with his Jesus Christ pose, Bills fans will hoot and holler - maybe as many times as when he drops a crucial third and five, delivered right in his hands.

Enjoy the rest of the Week. Now talk amongst yer selves.

Tommy Z.

JR Cigars Blog With the Zman

To ALL of My My Most Concerned Peeps…

Monday, March 23rd, 2009

Yes, blogging was in my blood. Every day I diligently prepared and wrote the words from my heart that entertained you all. But alas, I am down to once a week and eating bon bons and purchasing Billy Mayes products from infomercials has become my new regimen. I have gained 137 pounds in the past three weeks, I shower, well, when it rains I walk naked on the lawn in a pair of borrowed crocs, and my clothes could probably walk away on their own by now. My kids keep asking who the Jaba the Hut with a beard is in the house, and want to know where their once fun loving, stogie sucking daddy went.

obama-on-leno_ap090319031606Each morning I surf the internet news sites, but there’s no venue for me to write my findings. I’ve smoked some great cigars, but there’s none of you to share it with – until the following Monday, where everything has become old news by then. There is rumor that I have adopted lots of cats. I won’t say if it’s true or not, but how do you suppose all of these little meowing f@#ckers are gonna get fed? On love? I think not. And I’ve developed a seriously bad case of furballs. Guess I should shave, then.

sports_aigHey now… OK, I’ve got one for you and it’s a real doozer… get a load of this… President Obama is making fun of retarded people! Yeah, I swear to God. Seems he was on Jay Leno and was talking about his lack of bowling skills and… oh… that was almost a week ago, you say? Damn.

Well, okay… this is gonna blow your heads off…many of the people at the AIG company were given massive bonuses after AIG received bail out money from… uh… whatta you mean - you heard that one too? Ah damn, this has turned into an almanac instead of a timely blog, for crissakes. I guess you heard about the Berlin Wall, thingy? Which means that you probably know that Mets won in ’69, then? Damn it to hell, somebody fetch me a bob bon, on the double!

amelia-earhart_250Well, one thing is for certain, I still love cigars! Do you guys still smoke cigars? I mean, it seems a lot can change in seven days and I was only wondering, you know. Did Garfiend ever get his meds? Gosh, I hope the crazy blow-hole is okay. Did the Lions ever finally win a game? Is it true about this SCHIP bill, thing? I really think it’s time to pull the troops from Vietman and gosh, that poor f@#kin’ Amelia Earhart. Tough break.

And all of you quit yer yapping about the blog going up late. It ain’t late cuz you’ve got a whole seven damned days to read it. Plus, I have my crossing guard duties ‘til 11am. So, I look like a woolly mammoth in an orange vest. At least the kiddies are safe under my watchful and smokey eyes. Of course I’ve been reported for hitting on the moms several times, but they’ll come around… maybe once I shower.

moonThank you all for your comments of concern. Next week I’ve got big news about this apparent moon landing thing. Wow, I just found half a roast beef sandwich from a month ago! Today I am livin’ large, my brothers!

I Love You All,

Tommy Z.

JR Cigars Blog Thingy With Me, I Think

The Libationary Sophisticato

Monday, March 16th, 2009

Huh? It means I enjoys me a little drinky with me day.

I have to blame (thank) cigars for my Polackian palate enjoying the liquid fruits of the alcoholic nature. Back around 15 years ago when I first started smoking stoags, I knew nothing about the world of sumptuous libations. I was the average joe six-pack bonehead who thought Heineken was God’s answer to the good life. I mean, it’s all about the beer, right? Wrong.

wine1While I still enjoy beer (and have expanded my tastes beyond the green bottle from Holland) I have learned to love many of the other liquid refreshments that sooth the senses and knock you on your arse. Back around the time I started with cigars, I attended many a dinner during the “boom” and was introduced to the beauty of wine. I had no idea how wonderful, delicate, bold, and romantic crushed grapes could actually be. And the thing that I found about wine was that it was so similar to the world of cigars. Blending, aging, complexity, storage, characteristics, body, strength – they were all terms I had learned when describing cigars, which helped me quickly make sense of it all. And just like with cigars, you start off light and easy, then educate your palate while delving into heartier and spicier reds.

corvina-1Now, I’m no snob by any means, but I sure as hell do laugh when I see a grown man drinking White Zinfindel with ice… Friggin’ pansy-ass, Mary. Okay, I admit that I may have had a glass or two of that glorified fruit punch many eons ago, but it quickly got replaced by deep cabs, beautiful cesari_amaroneBordeaux, zesty pinot noirs, spicy Shiraz, and wonderful meritage. A good friend of mine lives in Toronto and his favorite Italian restaurant has a cellar stocked with some amazing wines from the homeland. The most spectacular was an Amarone (a grape region near Venice) created at a winery in such small batches that the label was actually hand written. You want to talk sensational? And you also want to talk expensive? Hey, who cares cuz I wasn’t buying. That and a bottle of ’97 California Jordan Cabernet may be the best wine I have personally ever tasted. But again, it’s like cigars in the sense that the mood often affects the enjoyment of the drink itself. Good, friends and a beautiful location make a good glass of wine memorable for years to come. And let’s not forget Port Wine – the dessert drink of choice when lighting a premium stick of tobacco. I’m into twanys, and Taylor, Presidential, Fonseca, Sandeman’s, and Cockburn (that’s pronounced Co-burn, you perverted swine) all make some sweet heaven in a bottle.

russian-vodkaBack in my advertising days, one of my good clients was a vodka fanatic. “Vodka” is actually diminutive of the Slavic word woda/voda meaning water. He and his fellow company vice presidents would hook up to a bottle intravenously at lunch and got pickled with out never really seeing it coming. I always thought that vodka was rotgut, like vodka_narrowweb__300x44201drinking kerosene, but then I was introduced to premium vodkas – triple distilled to wash away all those nasty little impurities from reaching your pie hole. For years, Russia, the Ukraine, and Poland – ah yes, the land of people with blank looks upon their faces – were the places that true firewater was created. Grains or potatoes were used to make the mash. Today, vodka is made from the same stuff, but is so smooth and silky that I drink it straight up with a little ice – thus the reason for getting hammered so quickly and easily. I do enjoy Grey Goose and several others, including Ciroc, the first vodka actually distilled from grapes. All right, so they’re both French…does that really make me any less of a patriot than any of you, goons? Feh!

216809As of late, it’s whiskey – or whisky sans the “e”, that has tickled my fattened fancy. Like most novices, my knowledge of scotch was relegated to Johnnie Walker Black on ice. But lo and behold the wonders of Scotland’s various regions, making for the finest single malt in the world. And now other countries are making some amazing scotch, as well, including Japan! When I’m on the back deck with a glass of Balvenire Doublewood on ice and a dark, sweet, smoldering maduro - wow, nothing, I mean nothing could be finer. Scotch is a true adult drink, and it’s not ‘til you get a little older that you realize how a couple of belts can really take the edge off a long, hard day at the office or wherever the hell you call your place of work. A best-kept secret brand I recently discovered is Compass Box Whisky – absolutely terrific Scotch that pairs with cigars amazingly. You GOT TO check these guys out.

ky_bourbon_barrelOf course there are other whiskies – Canadian, Irish, and yes, American - particularly bourbon. I’m not a big bourbon drinker, but I went to a cigar dinner last week that boasted some of Kentucky’s finest. Bookers, Bakers, Knob Creek, and Basil Hayden’s was served up and I got an instant appreciation for pure southern hospitality. Damn, that is some serious good stuff!

Where does it end? Now my friends are trying to get me hooked on Tequila, another libation that has matured into a smooth and flavorful form of liquid dynamite. And Champagne is actually getting pretty big amongst certain crowds as well.

So, now I’m a regular libation sophisticate. All right, not really. But I know what I like and that’s the best way to experiment and discover what works for you. Okay, maybe I AM a snob – I mean the thought of a Bud and White Owl admittedly does not get me all lathered up. But when gathered with good friends, maybe a nice night after a barbecue… having a nice pour and a premium smoke can make the troubles of the world disappear, if only for an hour or two. Just enough to re-charge my batteries and have me ready for another day in the world.

Damn, I’m ready… howz ‘bout you?

Have a swell week my boozing buddies,

Tommy Z.

JR Cigars Blog With the Zman

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