Archive for the ‘Honey Badger Don’t Give a Shit’ Category

The 5 Step Process of the Anti-Smoking Zealot, by Tommy Zman

Monday, March 19th, 2012

If you are a lover of the aged leaf, then you are well aware that over the past few years that we cigar smokers have simply become the lowlife pariah scum of the earth in the eyes of the anti-smoking zealots of our world. We basically can’t smoke ANYWHERE indoors anymore, they won that battle… and now these haters are trying to get rid of our precious puros for good.

Picture 7 copyWhat I find to be so incredibly ironic is that the Smoke Nazi contingent claims that we cigars smokers are rude, when in actuality, they are indeed the rudest, nastiest, and most obnoxious bastids to roam the land. We are basically looked upon as diseased laden lepers who should be banished from all society. They treat us with massive disrespect as if we have absolutely no rights at all and I’m completely sick and tired of it…. aren’t you? Of course you are!

This past weekend, on a gorgeous mid-60’s degree day, I took a little day jaunt into Little Italy in New York City. After a great big authentic Italian meal, I love nothing more than walking the streets with a nice premium hand rolled cigar as I take in the sights, sounds, and the smells. Now, here I am in the middle of the street, walking along when a couple of these zealots decide to give me their ten pounds of grief as they walked past me a good 25 feet away on the side walk. After getting treated so rudely by these self-righteous cretins time and time again, you’d really think I’d be used to it by now. But I guess it’s just the blatant disregard for human decency that really has me bewildered every time. What’s amazing is that every one of these indignant schmucks have the same exact act down pat, as if they attended some class on how to abuse the hell out of anyone they catch smoking. So I have come up with the 5-Step process that the Smoke Nazi’s have developed and shared with their fellow fascists across the globe. (All they need is a uniform, knee high black boots, and a high step kick to complete their attempt at world dominance.)

Okay, after much research and pure unadulterated abuse, I have decided to share this most wretched 5-Step method with my beloved Brothers and Sisters of the Leaf…

photoSTEP 1. The Look – As they walk anywhere in your cigar smoking presence, these acerbic foes will start out with a distasteful look on their face – the kind of look one does when perhaps your load-encrusted septic overflows into your living room. They want you to know that something has gone awry, and this pungent look is what leads directly into…

STEP 2. The Deadpan Glare – Now their head has turned in your direction, as you are the present recipient of the stare of doom. The eyes squint, the brow furrows, and the scowl on that puss is so twisted and vile that you start to wonder if perhaps you called this person’s mother an unsavory epithet in another life.

STEP 3. The Cough – or should I say the BIG FAKE cough that bellows through the street as if the black plague has found its way into the 21st century. Rottweilers are jealous of this pseudo-bark, and the coughers do not care that one hell of spectacle is being made in public.

STEP 4. The Wave – To accompany the dreaded howling cough, the hands begin to wave in front of their face with such ferocity that one would be convinced that the person was being attacked by a strain of killer bees. The Wave, combined with the cough is an amazing site to see, one riddled with ignorance, guile, and blatant stupidity.

STEP 5. The Confrontation – When all attempts at ruining your cigar smoking experience has failed, the psycho-zealot will have the oversized pair of cajones to get in your face and confront you. They will let you know with a brazen fervor that your cigar stinks and they do not like it. Yes, they will have no regard for manners or human decency at this point in the game, and if it were the Old West, 95% of these rude sons of bitches would be mowed down in broad daylight.

Now it’s the 21st century and our culture has supposedly evolved into a civilized lot, but me thinks that someone needs to inform these indignant anti-smoking goons that you simply cannot treat fellow human beings in this manner. Agreed? I think so.

Well, that’s my little public service announcement for my cigar loving fans and friends who need to remember that we have the right to live the way we choose and there isn’t an anti-smoking punk who can take that away from us.

Remember, as Always, Stay Smoky My Friends,

TZ.Sig.2

JR Cigars Blog with the Zman

Feel the Warmth From My Cigar by Tommy Zman

Friday, March 9th, 2012

Okay, every one of you guys know by now what an incessant whiner I am when it comes to the weather – especially the miserable winter months where smoking outside is a great discomfort and my weekly cigar intake drops dramatically. But this winter here in the north east has definitely been on the milder side with almost no snow to even speak of. And while that pretty much sucks for ski resorts, guys who plow, and the hardware store that is stuck with fifty full pallets of ice melting pellets, it sure as hell is a relief from shoveling that white crap, and worse yet, driving in it. And with a daughter on the roads and a son who gets his license in 10 days, trust me when I say that I don’t miss that stuff for a second.

Picture 4But as I sit here on my patio perfecting the hunt & peck typing method to a tee, it is 68 degrees here in early March, probably about twenty degrees warmer than the norm, and again, I am not minding it one damned bit! And just who is keeping me company while I write this weekly missive, but a thoroughly delicious Alec Bradley Tempus, a stick that resides on the fuller bodied side, and is enjoying being in the great outdoors every bit as much as I am.

For you BOTL’s in the south and all year warm weather places, you are most envied by us four honeybadger1season dwellers, and please know that it does get a bit tiring hearing you guys tell us, “why don’t you just move” – like hey, why didn’t I think of that – wow, guess I don’t really need this big red Staples EASY button. But right now most of us in the upper US regions are enjoying the hell out of this unusual weather, and enjoying a good cigar outside goes right along with the territory. Normally, right about now I’m going stir crazy, bound inside the house, jonesing like a mutha for a hand rolled happy stick. But thankfully Mother Nature has put the jonesing on hold, and for that I seriously want to take a brief moment to thank the old gal. And I say “brief” moment because anyone who has spent their life in the north knows that three-feet of the frozen white stuff can drop from the sky a couple of days from now, giving us that, “and you thought it was almost springtime” blizzard from hell. Much like the famed Honey Badger, Mother Nature don’t give a shit.

SanCristobalOkay, I think I’ve pretty much got all I can out of this AB Tempus, and good thing I thought ahead and brought along this dark-ass San Cristobal to help me finish out this bloggy. Man, another seriously impressive flavor bomb from the JR collection of finely aged premium tobacco products. I may have never been a boy scout, but when it comes to cigar smoking, this paunchy Polack is ALWAYS prepared! You know, I really do have a rough life writing this cigar love-fest, day in and day out. It’s hard work being a cigar blogger and I want you to know that I give my all for you guys, continually smoking the best stogies all for the purpose of your much needed entertainment. Pretty soon the wife and boy will be home and I’ll toss some charred carcass on the Weber, probably sneaking in a short robusto, all while planning on what cigar to smoke with my single malt night-cap. Damn people, I am friggin exhausted just typing those thoughts!

It’s this unusual warmth that has me in such a good mood while the neighbors drive by and wonder things like, “when is that moron going to get himself a “real” job (much like my loving wife thinks on a daily basis.) But I know that YOU guys appreciate the blood and sweat I’m spilling onto my laptop as this Pepin made Nicaraguan encourages me to keep on giving all that I’ve got. I know my purpose, and I’m proud to serve you all.

Well, I just looked and it’ll be 35 degrees here tomorrow morning. I knew that little tease Momma Nature couldn’t keep this up for more than a couple of days. But right now, I’m gonna get all metaphysical and stay in the present while I thank the Big Guy above for giving me the strength and courage to continue on doing what I do for YOU people.

You know… I think there’s a couple of icy cold bottles of Stout in the fridge. I give and I give…

Stay Smoky My friends,

TZ.Sig.2

JR Cigars Blog with the Zman

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