Archive for the ‘red dot’ Category

Let’s Make a Deal by Steve Nathan

Thursday, March 14th, 2013

Fellow cigar smokers: As we all know, our economy is in the proverbial crapper. The value of the US dollar is ranked 96th in world value just below Zimbabwe and Uzbekistan. Yet the value of the Latin American cigar is booming. Let me ’splain.

Every knucklehead, even if he’s never smoked a cigar or watched a Marx Brothers movie, will graciously accept one just to feel like Fidel Castro or Winston Churchill if only for just one lousy puff. Even those who feel that a Ziploc bag of two-week-old meatloaf is more appealing than a cigar will take one to appease someone, whether it’s a boss, a father-in-law or the guys coming next Tuesday to deliver the new dishwasher.

So, what’s my point? I don’t know… oh yeah! My point is that a cigar offers one the chance to barter and open doors to lasting favors never dreamed possible. Take me, for example; I always have a stash of genuinely cheap albeit tasty cigars on hand at all times to offer to my irritating neighbors, or to expedite a favor or service. And after reading this painfully boring blog, hopefully you will too.

Now before I begin, remember this fact: Unless it becomes a devout hobby, almost all occasional cigar smokers don’t know squat about them; you can roll up a turd in cabbage and they will believe it was smuggled in from Havana by a congressman if that’s what you tell them Get it? Good!  So (and this is very important), on your next visit to J•R Cigars, add some inexpensive smokes to your order… but you must go to J•R only! Why, you ask?

Because I work here and if you don’t shop here I will lose my job and be forced to collect unemployment because it is hard to find a job when you’re almost 58 years old! Then when the unemployment runs out in three years, I’ll be 61 and living in a trailer park behind the Secaucus, NJ landfill. Then I will quickly realize that I’m totally unemployable and from all the stress, I will most likely lose my bladder control and have no choice but to be a greeter at Wally Mart and wear big-boy diapers. So just shop at J•R so this awful stuff doesn’t happen to me, okay?

Anyway, you have purchased your cheap (excuse me, I mean inexpensive) cigars from J•R only… now what?

Put together a list of all the people you deal with, may deal with or hopefully and sometimes regrettably have to deal with. Then eliminate those who will not accept a cigar under any conditions. A few examples: most nuns, the head of the FDA, the archbishop of Canterbury, the US surgeon general, and the old handicapped lady with six cats who yells at you for parking too close to her driveway.


With this knowledge in hand, I have painstakingly spent hours putting together a list of some tasty but very economical cigars that you should stock up on, along with some ideas about how and when to hand them out. (Actually I didn’t spend hours; I did it during a commercial break of the Ice Road Truckers marathon. I have a tendency to lie a lot.)


Don Mateo

This old-time bundled Honduran classic has been a favorite of old farts and cheap bastards for more than two decades. Feed these to your next-door neighbor occasionally and you will have and unlimited access to his hedge trimmers!


Five Star

This mild, silky smooth bundled handmade is the <i>exact same</i> smoke as some other famous brands that sell for two or three times the price! If offered during routine checkups, these tasty smokes will get you a doctor’s appointment within three hours, even during a flu epidemic.


Red Dot

This mixed-filler baby tastes like those old classic Royal Jamaicans cigars… at a fraction of the cost. Every so often, leave a couple of these in your mailbox with a little sticky note saying, “Thanks for delivering my mail on time. Enjoy!” Do this and, I promise you, your priority package won’t be lying on your neighbor’s front porch during a thunderstorm.



These medium-bodied Nicaraguans are for the guy who says, “I don’t need those fancy $12.00 cigars! These are pretty damn good… and were you doing 80 in a 60 mph zone?”


License, registration, Riata… no ticket! Just be careful with this one; if it backfires, you may be sitting in a cell next to some nut wearing aluminum foil on his head claiming to be receiving signals from Pluto.


Maria Mancini

Okay, boys, I saved the best for last… this cigar is fantastic! It’s a Cuban-style box-pressed beauty that tastes just as good as many cigars costing at least twice the price. Whenever you see that guy across the street with his big house and fancy car, hand him one. I guarantee that, in no time at all, you’ll be sitting in his man-cave basement every Sunday afternoon watching football on his 90-inch flat screen while drinking his imported beer!


And there you have it. Good luck, get creative and have fun. There is a world of opportunity awaiting you with a well-stocked humidor of bargain-basement sticks. (By the way, I really hate when someone calls a cigar a stick. In fact, it makes my skin crawl. But you guys like it, so what the hell?)

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