Valentine’s Day, For the Cigar Lovers in All of Us… by Tommy Zman
Friday, February 10th, 2012With Valentine’s Day coming this Tuesday, I started wondering about who actually invented this holiday that fleeces a man’s pocket right down to his furry little lint balls (hey, watch your mouth Zman, this is a family blog.)… You wonder if it was Hallmark… the jewelry industry… the chocolate companies… the restaurant industry? Just how did this whole money pilfering operation all go down, and why is it basically a woman’s holiday that requires us dumb-ass dudes to do all of the work?
According to Wikipedia: Numerous early Christian martyrs were named Valentine. The Valentines honored on February 14 are Valentine of Rome and Valentine of Terni. Valentine of Rome was a priest in Rome who was martyred about AD 269 and was buried on the Via Flaminia. The Catholic Encyclopedia also speaks of a third saint named Valentine who was mentioned in early martyrologies under date of February 14. But then Wikipedia entry goes and says: No romantic elements are present in the original early medieval biographies of either of these martyrs.
So while this all ties back to a bunch of robe wearing, bald headed bastids, one has to ask, “Yo baby, where’s the love at?” How the hell did this whole deal get started with jewelry, flowers, candy, and cards? Okay, so get this… There is an additional modern embellishment to The Golden Legend, provided by, American Greetings and widely repeated despite having no historical basis whatsoever. On the evening before Valentine was to be executed, he would have written the first “valentine” card himself, addressed to a young girl variously identified as his beloved, as the jailer’s daughter whom he had befriended and healed. It was a note that read “From your Valentine.”
Ah ha, ah ha, AH HA! So it IS a greeting card company who perpetrated this ruse and is responsible for me having to give up a paycheck’s worth of baubles, bangles, and bullshit this coming week! While this newfound information doesn’t actually make me feel any better, I have come up with an angle of my own, something that finally gives us men their fair share this second week of February.
I am contacting everyone there is in the cigar industry to create cigar cards, cigar flavored chocolate, and print up gift certificates to cigar bars, all in the hopes we men can get treated a little special for once – a day where we lovers of the Latin leaf can make this holiday a smokin’ one!
“Montecristo is Red, Don Pepin is Blue, maduro is sweet, and so is this god damned awesome box of El Rey Del Mundo Flor de Llaneza!” Wow, was I made to be the guy who is the head of this man-movement, or what?!
I think every last one of us guys have spent a collective lifetime fortune on price gouged roses, boxed mixed chocolates (gagging on maple log cocoa crèmes), and rings, bracelets, earrings, and other items of sparkling Jared-type nature. Isn’t it about time that our female partners return the years of favors by showering us with a cornucopia of Nicaraguan, Honduran, and Dominican grown goodness?! Haven’t we provided for our loved ones long enough where we should be shown true love in return, a love for the likes of La Gloria Cubana, EP Carillo, La Aroma de Cuba, and of course, Romeo Y Juliet? Yes I say… hell yes, we dudes deserve it and I will stand up and fight for the rights of CROMAGS everywhere so that we may too experience the leafy tenderness we have always deserved. But unfortunately, I can’t do bupkis this year, cause Valentine’s Day is this Tuesday and we’ll all just have to suck it up and pay for the picked over, triple-priced flowers for just one more year.
So until then, I’ll be working hard for manly men everywhere, making sure that next year, February 14, becomes a day of hand rolled happiness for one and all.
And in the words of the late, great Don Cornelius, I wish you all Love, Peace, and Soul,
JR Cigars Blog with the Zman
