A JR Blog Holiday Classic Re-run…

Since we’re all obviously fed up with all of the holiday bullsquat, I thought you guys might enjoy some Holiday Blogs of JR past cuz they never stop being funny… and angry. Today, we present you once again with…

Curmudgeons A Caroling

Originally Posted Thursday, December 18, 2008

My 17 year-old daughter, who started driving back in June, was in her glory a few weeks ago when her radio station started playing nothing but Christmas Carols. “Dad, it’s so great and it just puts me in the best Christmassy mood!”

Give it time, girl.

Yesterday we get in her car and she has a different station on. I wonder what gives, and she says, “Aghhhhh, I’m sick of those songs! There are only SO many, and they play them over and over! And besides, Little Drummer Boy is just downright creepy – didn’t his parents get brutally murdered or something?”

THAT’S the spirit, honey! Kind of fun, yet twisted watching a teenager turn into a curmudgeon right before your very eyes.

I told you that back in the beginning of November that department stores started playing those ghastly tunes and I wasn’t mentally ready. But I’m quite sure that the people who work there must be ready to take and axe to their families by now, if they aren’t already on heavy doses of behavior inducing medications.

Let’s get to it…

Grandma Just Got Run Over By a Reindeer is downright grotesque, hillbilly horse hockey. By the way, what has seven teeth and 100 legs? The front row at a Willie Nelson concert. But you knew that.

Johnny Mathis, who supposedly enjoyed his share of candy canes always sickens me with his nuts roasting, and that drunken fool, Jack Frost nipping at his private parts. Who the fark dresses up like Eskimos, other than Eskimos? And kids from one to ninety-two? Oh STFU you nog-chugging douchebag.

NOTHING…I mean absolutely NOTHING is worse than Babsy Streisand’s attempt at joyous Christianity than her album of carols – the most heinous being her liberalized version of Jingle Bells. Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jin – Jing – Jing – Jing Jingle Bells, all the way, way way-up your ass you out of touch, bottle nosed cracker. About ten years ago my wife had it in her shoebox of Holiday faves, but while packing up in January, I took the cassette and flung it off our then condo deck into a small pond that was in the back. That F’er sailed like a Frisbee and hit the water like a Polish scud rocket with a purpose. The next Christmas my wife opened the box enquiring about her “fave” and I shrugged my shoulders while delivering the classic “I dunno.” The other day my daughter told me she heard that song and agreed to how awful it was. I then told her and her brother about the cassette tape and they laughed for an hour. Me too.

And a Walking in a Winter Wonderland may sound swell and all festive to you in the south and west, but try driving in a foot of snow, shoveling your driveway thru blurry eyed headache and back pain, or not playing golf for six months and you’ll want to permanently maim the song’s author.

We all know that Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer is a violent tale of racism filled with pure hatred for those who are different. Of course the social outcast ends up guiding Santa’s sleigh, but what they don’t tell you is how afterwards he is sold into slavery and ends up in a sausage grinder by the following fall. Sick and perverse – yes – but why not tell our youths the entire story?

And yes, Little Drummer Boy is a slow and rhythmically creepy tale of an orphaned kid who’s mom and goat were gang-raped while dad was taken out in a Camel-ride-by shooting. Then the kid plays the drums for the Christ child – and of course the place is crawling with agents and the urchin gets signed to play with a lounge act in Vegas. The little turd ended up rump -a-bum-bumming three sets a night at the Sands before Sinatra and Sammy for about a decade. I read it on Google somewhere. No, really.

And of course, Frosty is a drunken pedophile snowman whose computer was confiscated for having disturbing imagery of carrots in compromising positions. There are just too many to talk of and I’m sure you all can add your own twisted and most unholy thoughts.

Just a Week Til Fatso Breaks Into Your Home (Unless you’re Jewish and going to the movies.)

Ho ho ho, ya ho,

Tommy Z.

JR CIGARS Blog With the Zman

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