Happy Freakin a Columbus Day…Capishe?
Today, people the world over celebrate the great saint Christopher, the explorer responsible for all of us being here (wherever youz happen to be.) But not so fast, oh yee who is off from work this fine Monday. Columbus really was kind of the Tony Soprano of his day. He demanded all kinds of power and riches upon each return from a trip, knowing that he was the only one who could run this 15th century, wise-guy operation.
Back in the late 1400’s, Europeans believed that the earth was flat. Freakin stunads. But Chris Molitsanti Columbus, a nice boy from Genoa, Italy believed otherwise. He caught the ear of Queen Isabella of Spain (threatened her…caught her ear… same difference) and got funding, men, and the ships he needed to head for the new world. This chooch had the balls 
to ask for a ten percent vig on top of everything he found and asked to be named admiral of the seas, along with all other kinds of neat stuff like his own casino, part ownership of the Madrid Bunny Ranch, and a Belgian Ale distributorship. The Spanish government agreed, basically because they thought the old dago fool would never return. Yeah, he learned them pretty good.
Talk about balls, Columbus had a huge set of stones, thinking he could pull this heist off. He set sail with three ships and spent five whole weeks on the high seas of the deep blue Atlantic. On October 12, 1492, Chris and the boys discovered America… well, they actually discovered the Bahamas, but let’s not split hairs. On later journeys, he came across, the Dominican Republic, Cuba, and Honduras, as he enjoyed the fine tastes of Cohibas, Montecristos, and El Rey Del Mundos – along with hot Indian natives who developed a taste for smoked Italian sausage. Oofah!
Don Christopher made several returns to the Carribean, changed his name to Corlione, and ran roughshod over these poor injun bastids. He enslaved many, kidnapped scores, brought them back to Europe, and had is own rollers to create the 1492 brand cigar. (Early relatives of Frank Llaneza, perhaps.) It is said that under Don Christopher’s reign, between 1 and 3 million natives were killed. True fact. He was the very first extortionist in America, running prostitution and gambling rings from Habana to Santo Domingo and he set up the first Indian run casinos,, benefiting greatly from the bogus tax breaks.
Yeah, the explorer extraordinaire had one hell of a racket going and the west coast operation was running smooth as a papoose’s ass… until he returned to Spain in 1500. Chris was getting too powerful for his own good, and the other bosses didn’t like his tyrannical methods and took control. According to testimony of twenty or more witnesses during his trial, Columbus regularly used barbaric acts of torture to govern Hispaniola. They negated his contract, cutting him off from funding his reign of terror over the Americas. Sure he claimed it was bullshit and tried to start a war with the other families, but they had his ass tossed in jail, along with his hoodlum brothers, Vinchenzo the Rat, Paulie Brazilian-Nuts, Sivio the Weasel, and Antonio Two-times. They called him that on a count of the fact that he said everything twice, “I’m a goin to getta the scrolls, getta the scrolls.”
Don Christopher died in 1506, but the old man had a nice stash of gold from the heist job they ran in Seacaucus, New Jersey. It was said that Thomasino DeVito was a partner in the deal, but Christopher thought he was funny like a clown, and that seemed to bring much disharmony to the relationship. Later on, Columbus put a cap in DeVito’s ass, but conveniently blamed it on a black tribe.
So there ya go, the story of Christopher Columbus, told tru da eyes of a half guinzo from Jersey. I hoped youz guys liked this story whose authenticity cannot be questioned. Not if ya know what’s good for ya.
Ah, I love factual history. I’m glad we came to this little understanding.
Oofah,
Tommy Z.
JR Cigars Blog With the Weasel
