Scanning The Headlines…
Headlines, we’ve got headlines. A little perusing through the various news sites makes one want to hurl their Corn Flakes. I think I even heard that new purchases of axes are up for those who are disgruntled by all the disgrutledness. I believe autoworkers and banks have now been placed above postal workers in that category. Yes, we sure as hell do live in interesting times.
General Motors Files for Bankruptcy Protection
Okay, now there’s a huge shocker. But guess what… the federal government is now the majority stakeholder of the century old automaker. Yeah, that same government that f@#ks up everything they put their greasy mitts on is in charge of GM. Gosh, isn’t that incredibly comforting. And what could be more comforting for the many vendors of GM, who will get completely impaled in the ass, maybe receiving ten cents on the dollar for their invoices, if they are even that lucky. I can’t even fathom the amount of vendors that supply the glass, rubber, plastics, metal, and every god damned thing that goes into producing an automobile. The ripple effect is sure to take place as many of these companies rely on GM for a huge portion of their business. God, this is so sad. Home Depot special on pick axes, aisle three. Get ‘em while they’re still in stock…
Jon and Kate Divorce
A goofy looking Korean guy and a hot blondie, Caucasian cougar momma are dominating the tabloids like never before. If you don’t know who these people are, they sired eight friggin kids and have been featured the past few years on the reality TV show, Jon and Kate Plus Eight. My wife and daughter absolutely LIVE for this sugar coated, milque toast drivel, about a bunch of little Asian looking kiddies who eat, fight, shit, play, and go on fancy trips paid for by the network. A once struggling couple in hick-town PA, now lives in a 3 million dollar home with all the accoutrements of the rich and famous. But fame has taken its toll on this bunch as the media and paparazzi stalk them wherever they go. But the brew ha-ha that’s dominating the news is hubby Jon’s inability to keep his wandering libido in check. While wifey is making skads of dough on a national book tour, dumb-ass daddy was hanging around in college bars with young chickies, and now divorce is imminent. Yeah, I do despise this bullsquat excuse for television, but Kate is a stinkin’ hottie who has kicked this dude Jon’s ass around since day one and now he’s getting the ultimate smack down. Damn… I think I’m slowly turning this blog into tabloid goop.
Susan Boyle Hospitalized
Who? You know, the chick that looks like the product of an old sea captain who mated with a mangy bulldog, who made global headlines for her stunning performance on the TV show, Britain’s Got Talent. When she made her first appearance, people in the audience laughed as she said she was going to sing a tune from Le Miserable, and then tore the house down with her incredible operatic tones. But alas, the old gal came in second place on the finale and reportedly collapsed back stage after the show from all the stress she had gone through from weeks prior. The singer, who looks like a disturbing Terry Gilliam cartoon from Monty Python, has checked into a London clinic for emotional distress. Rumor has it that she’s actually staying at a plastic surgery center for a complete makeover. Removing the snout, tail, and whiskers will probably be the first order of business, as transforming her into a somewhat palatable looking woman will be a real challenge. And, yes again, I’ve gone for the low hanging fruit with more tabloid goop.
Conan Starts the Tonight Show…Tonight!
No, not the Comic Character played by Arnold the Governator. Conan Obrien, the odd looking comic, will become the 4th host in the history of the show and how exciting that is! Singer Sheryl Crow will be a guest as the onetime toy for lance Armstrong tells ladies how to wipe their genitalia with just one square of poopie paper. Also featured, rock band Pearl Jam will get in a steel cage match for charity against Green Day, and Tom Hanks will show us his birthmark shaped like the head of Meg Ryan. I’m excited…are you? (Just how tabloid can Zman go?)
Dozens of Beached Whales Shot Off the Coast of South Africa
PETA, you have yourself a well deserved field day with this one.
And that’s all the goop that’s fit to print this fine Monday as I leave you with a gratuitous cheesecake shot for the boys who have sent all those emails, cards, and letters.
Have a Swell Week,
Tommy Z.
JR Cigars Blog With the Zman
